Ambiguously Human

If someone had told me I was going to have a Mid-Life Crisis at 40 I would have scoffed at that...

I'm the last person who seems would end up freaking out halfway through life. I turned 40 just before the summer and sometime halfway during the fun and the sun I started freaking out. I got a little paranoid and the whole thought of death and dying and wondering if there was an afterlife or some other point to existence spiraled out of control and I ended up in an ambulance a few times with heart troubles.

It was when my heart stopped at one point that I thought I should start trying to ignore the whole thought of "what is the point of life, is there a Heaven or Hell, is there something to all this religion - are there other worlds in space that have more advanced civilizations than ours and why are they avoiding Earth, blah blah blah...

I ended up trying to spend more time socializing in bars but these days people my age have either already found someone to be with or look pretty hard up hitting on someone in a bar - or maybe it's just me.
I used to do the whole "Hey let's party! Here have a drink! What's your name?! Where are you from?! That's exciting - let's dance!"
Today I just have a drink, watch people and end up small talking with the bartenders - pretty much what I've done since I was 19. And eventually my panic attacks subsided and now I just take life a day at a time and just go to work, stop off at a pub or a lounge and have a drink by myself and then sleep, wake up and do it all over again. I'm not up to much else other than that - I mean, I'm less enthused about life and living than I was before because up until this summer I always thought I'd make it big somehow... and then reality sets in; eventually I will die and what have I left behind so far?
So my next project is to finish a zine - at least leave behind some stories, write another couple of songs and start putting together a journal of what I've done and where I went - some aliens might find it years down the road and wonder what it's like to view life as an experience and not as a series of 9 to 5 days...
Cheers from Montreal!